She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
