Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
