Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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