worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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