I think im going to throw up on grandma
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
