ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
